Good Gods, what a day! I decided I would clean out my garage so I made an appointment with the 1-800-Junk guys for late this afternoon and then listed Free Stuff! on craigslist. I schlelpped tons of books, a bunch of luggage, laptop bags, decorative items, etc. to the curb and posted a Free Stuff! sign (which blew off about 50 times).
So all day, I had folks rummaging through (really good) stuff while I was in the garage finding and schlepping more stuff to the curb. Some people were so cute, they yelled "are you sure I can't give you a few dollars for this stuff?".
And when I was putting stuff out there and people were thrilled with their found treaures, they would tell me how much they needed/liked/were so happy to have things I no longer use. It was so fun to make so many people have a happy surprise. One young immigrant girl just couldn't get over that she could have a used-only-once wheelie bag for free. She said so very earnestly "I need this so much when I travel home for the holidays!!" It was a very happy thing.
Then my neighbor came over and said I'd inspired her to get rid of some of her stuff, too, and asked if she could put some things out with mine. By mid-afternoon it looked like a pretty cute boutique.
People were asking me for recommendations on books so I would tell them a little about some of the books to see what they seemed to like. It was such a good vibe--people hanging out and shopping for free. One older couple came back to the garage to thank me for travel books on Ireland and Alaska, saying those were two places they dreamed of going and now they could read and plan and dream. So sweet! My heart just melted into a puddle.
Then, about 4:30 the Junk guys came and picked up the leftovers. They were young, adorable and super polite (the 1-800-Junk guys are ALWAYS fabulous--kudos, Junk Guys!) We talked about the long day we'd all had and I said I was rewarding myself with a margaurita, a muscle relaxer, and Bladerunner Blu-Ray. One of the youngsters actually said "What's Bladerunner about? Is it good?"
Oy fucking vey, the kids today! I had to explain to him about Bladerunner and then he said "kinda like that Will Smith movie but maybe more serious?"
I said "uh, not so much like that Will Smith movie and WAY more serious--like it questions the very meaning of humanity"
He looked at me blankly so I said "well, like, if one of the replicants seems to have more humanity than the humans then one would perhaps ponder upon that".
He said that was really interesting and asked me if the version I liked best was a special director's cut or something and then I forgave him of all his other youthful ignorance, of course.
Last Saturday was Graduation Day for my FBI academy. I spent the day at the shooting range with a bunch of agents, the FBI firearms instructors and the SWAT team. I seem to have this freakish talent for shooting high-powered weapons. Who knew?
I can’t remember all the guns I shot but the ones I remember were two different Glocks; a .357 Magnum; a semi-automatic that I think was a Sig; a short-barrel Remington 12 gauge shotgun (which practically dislocated many neophytes' shoulders and/or knocked them on their newbie asses); an old Thompson machine gun; an M4; and whatever the sniper rifle was.
The M4 was a blast, and my instructor said he'd never seen a novice control a fully automatic weapon for the first time as well I did. He expected me to spray all over the place like all new shooters do but I was shooting in successive quick bursts instead of one big-ass blast so I stayed on target.
But mastering the old Thompson was what really impressed them because the instructor said it’s really hard even for them. He told me he couldn't believe how good I was shooting and like an idiot I said I "I know! I feel like Dillinger!" (who was also known as the Public Enemy No.1, of course.) ! ! !!
He said "you probably don't want to say that around here (as in here among 20 agents and a SWAT team)". I said “Ooopsie” but in my head I said a hearty “Motherfucker!”.
It comes as no surprise that "Dillinger" was what he called me for the rest of the day.
The SWAT guys let us shoot at a cutout of a bad guy's head in a window 100 yds away with their sniper rifles. I was 2 for 2 and literally blew the cutout of the head away on my 2nd shot. The SWAT guys gave me a big cheer on that shot ..and the SWAT guys were REALLY hot so, of course that made it even better.
One of them put all 50lbs of his gear on me which was way cool, of course. Did I mention they were really hot?
Last week in my FBI academy we had three different cyber crime classes, the longest one was about Child Pornography. Even though we weren't looking at any graphic
stuff it was still plenty creepy.
One of the investigators from that division
was our instructor and we "worked" several real cases (that had already been
solved). That part was way cool and would have even been fun if the subject
matter wasn't so grotesque.
The agent showed us some of the actual photographs (with the faces and body parts
blanked out, of course) taken by the perp/perv they were trying to find. So, we had to find clues in the photos that would help identify where the person was, because he could literally be anywhere in THE WORLD. Many foreigners have IP addresses on US servers--even terrorists. (I learned that in another FBI class).
Anyhoo, there were all kinda clues we found. In one photo alone I found a grocery bag with the store name "Menard's" printed on it, an ad on the TV in the background that had a store's sign in it, and [gasp] a Girl Scout uniform strewn on the floor so that it showed part of the troop number!
So the grocery store narrowed it down to a region, then the ad on the TV narrowed it down further, and the partial on the Girl Scout uniform narrowed down even more. He was so busted!
In that case it was one of the girls' grandfather. The agent showed us a photo of the guy after he was arrested and it was sooooo creepy--it was like looking at Evil Incarnate. I think I vomited a little in my mouth.
Even now, as I type, my skin is crawling right off my body. And here I am, doing this to myself as I am about to go to bed.
This was the worst bedtime story EVER.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I was selected to attend the FBI’s Citizen Academy this fall and my first night is this Thursday! I’ll be going for 6 weeks and it’s going to be the coolest thing EVER.
I’ll be doing many fun things like learning how to collect and preserve evidence and apply my new skills at a mock crime scene. I’ll even get to dust for and lift prints, dammit. How utterly fabulous is that?
And we’ll learn how to track down spies and terrorists which is a skill that always comes in handy, of course.
And the SF SWAT team is going to come and do a demo for us.
AND, our last session will be conducted at the Weapons Range where an FBI instructor is going to teach us how shoot many different kinds of weapons AND we get to shoot them (the guns, not the instructors).
Glocks and Kochs and Hecklers, oh my!
Suki with a submachine gun. Just picture it.
Speaking of pictures, They take some at the shooting range. Perhaps I'll be in one, with luck I’ll be looking tough and quite possibly at least a little hot (especially to a certain set of guys).
Hey! Maybe I’ll get a date out of this. And he’ll be kinda skeered of me so he’ll think twice before he gets up to any shenanigans so even better.
Anyhoo, if that wasn’t already the niftyist, they also give us the most excellent swag—like FBI gear bags, and our own official FBI caps (with Citizen’s Academy in small almost unnoticeable print on the bill which makes them look practically agent-like to all but the eagle-eyed).
Our classes are held at the RCFL, which is Regional Computer Forensics Laboratory to you non-FBI types. Even saying RCFL is fun.
I've been soooo busy with taking care of the wee cottage stuff. Getting estimates from all kinda contractors. First, I had to do Round Two of the window upgrades. The bastards are so expensive and the cottage, although wee, has 22 windows!
They're so expensive I had to do half the house at a time. I did the front and back of the house two years ago and now I'm doing the sides so the whole house will be a double-paned low-E glass energy saving motherfucker
So, I got those ordered and started on the furnace upgrading project. The furnace is more than 30 years old and looks like it should be in a landfill. The last furnace guy who was looking at it on Friday couldn't even believe it still worked. It does but god knows what it's blowing.
Which brings me to the dreaded A word. You don't see it in any alphabet books, but when it comes to old homes, A is for Asbestos. ASBESTOS!! That's what Furnace Guy found wrapped all around the heating pipes.
Fuck me!
Asbestos. Deteriorating. Two words one never wants to hear in the same sentence. It's not dangerous until it starts to deteriorate and shed it's killer fibers into the air and into your lungs.
Mesothelioma. That's another word you never want to hear.
Oh dear, $2000 just for the asbestos abatement. And that has nothing to do with the heating system which, of course, has to be totally redone. It's not just plunking a new furnace in place, all the duct work has to be replaced and loads of other HVACy things.
The grand total of it all, including removing the Silent Killer in my basement, will be $8500.
And I thought it was going to be no big deal. Silly me.
