Scary Biscuits

I had my follow up appointment with the Spine specialist today and the news was bad--of course it was bad, this is me that we're talking about so no surprise there.  Anyway, the flexing x-rays showed that the spondylolisthesis is even worse than we thought.  The x-ray of me bending forward clearly shows the alignment of my vertebrae so far off that it looks like my lumbar spine is trying to break free from his thoracic companion.  (Perhaps they don’t get along.)  All I could think about was how it reminded me of a marionette with a broken wire. I had one as a child; I would make it dance ..well, until it broke.
The first doctor (again with the tag-team!) that talked to me said he thought that I would have to have surgery because my spinal instability was dangerous, it could cause injury to my spinal cord.  He said something about a risk of paraplegia and I almost fell off the table.  I tried to remain calm because I knew that he was just the warm-up act and that the main medical act would be in next.  So, then Dr. Harvard Genius, who is also the director of the center came in next and we had a chat.
Dr. Genius was also concerned by the severity of the displacement or offset as they call it.  He said that he was concerned not just with the pain it causes but, after seeing these new x-rays, with the potential damage to the spinal cord.  He said “I don’t want to use scary words like paraplegic” Well, guess what? YOU JUST DID! You said it and, HELLO! it was plenty scary—in fact, I just peed my pants.  Is that scary enough for you?  Note to Harvard Genius: If you say you’re not going to say a scary word but then use that very same word to say what you’re not going to say it is no less scary than if you just fucking say it.
So after my visit with Grim and Grimmer I was ready to run out and throw myself in front of a large speeding vehicle but I decided to wait until I talk to the surgeons. I have to meet with them to get their opinion. Dr. Genius thinks it’s probably a matter of “how soon” not “if” I have to have surgery to stabilize my spine.  That's some scary biscuits.
So, now I have to see the surgeon to see what he’ll recommend.  But he’s a surgeon, for fuck’s sake, what do you think he's going to say? I think he’s just a teensy bit biased toward whipping out the scalpel.  That's like asking a barber if you need a haircut.  Maybe if I demonstrate my surgery phobia and have a big baby panic attack (kind of like when I had the MRI) right there in his office he’ll be more open-minded--if for no other reason than his desire to not have me as a patient.   
Anyway, I figure it can’t get much worse ..at least until I have to start signing those papers that outline all the potential risks and horrific possible outcomes of the surgery.  They already provided information about donating my blood for myself before surgery in case I start bleeding to death on the table.  But they said “hemorrhaging” because that’s not a scary word. [accidentally rolls eyes all the way into the back of her head while going for dramatic overkill] 

Comments

[A.]

I have decided to stop baking you cakes and just buy you stock in a cake factory.

x

[AdventureGirl]

Pepperidge Farm or Sara Lee? Oooh, I like that Pepperidge Farm coconut cake ..but then, the Sara Lee pound cake is good, too. WTF am I talking about? I don't even know if they still make those cakes since I haven't had real cake in ages. My head is still reeling from the House of Horrors so I 'm just talking out my ass.
Am I just a walking cluster-fuck or what? (Don't anwer that, it was rhetorical.) *sigh*

[allison]

May I suggest....

http://www.sweetreatsbylattis.com/page/page/626481.htm

Of course, since it serves 16-20, A and I will have to fly to visit monthly. You will obviously need help with the bottle of rum too! (what do you mean, the rum doesn't come with the cake?????)

[P&T]

*Hugs AG...delicately*

*A manly bitch slap to the universe, with a flying head butt*

[A.]

Rum cake is the only solution.

[AdventureGirl]

Hey, getting drunk on cake--that's kind of like what we used to do with brownies ..er ..ah... just kidding, of course [angel icon]
If I have this surgery you must all come over and get drunk on cake and watch DVDs. I, of course, will be stoned out of my head on very good drugs so tons of fun will be had by all.

[mike]

jesus....the first thing I can say is that the medical establishment is the king and queen of the disclaimer. At one point, as they were admitting me before my surgery, I was being talked to by the 4th or 5th lackey-doctor who was telling me that it might not work and I might this and I might that, I told him that I would sign the 967th form but if the f'd me up I was still suing somebody. The second thing I can say is that I have a LOT of vicodin left over. The stronger dose two, with a couple of refills on each. Can you send that via US mail? Thirdly, do you NEED anything? Email me if you want a voice to talk to instead of just reading and typing. I'm here if you need me. And I am not saying that as some random interent person that happens to like the same tv show as you.

[AdventureGirl]

Thanks, Mikey, and yes, I think some of this is the Spine Center doing a Cover Your Ass. I mean if I don't have the surgery and something happens they want to be able to say "We told you so." That's why I'm going to have to research on my own to find out the real risks of surgery versus no surgery.

[Meghan]

He said something about a risk of paraplegia...

It so nice to know he did everything he could to allay your fears.

Jesus H.

*hands marsh the whole jar of cookies*