I have so many wonderful stories of horrendous pain and human degradation; I just can't wait to share them all! But first I have to poop. Seriously, at this point it feels like even my brain is backed up.
It's been eight days since my last shadoobee splashed down. My whole abdomen is so distended I look like I'm about to give birth to bigfoot.
It sounds funny but it most definitely is not. Trust me on this.
During my recent incarceration hospitalization, the proactive plan to counteract the pipe-clogging effects of all the opioids was to have me down a couple of glasses of Miralax a day but since for the first three days I couldn't even sip water without retching that plan had to be scuttled. So, after days and days of morphine, OxyContin, and Percot my intestine looks like an adobe village.
Since I've been home I've been dilligently trying every remedy except for the harsh laxatives that give me godawful intestinal spasms because after three days of having my bladder spasming non-stop, desperately trying to expel the offending catheter, I never ever want to hear the word spasm.
I think I'd rather stick a blasting cap up my ass. I must have one lying around the house somewhere