I’ll update on the multitudinous diagnoses my new doctor has already anointed me with but for now I just want to be more like my old self and write about something embarrassing--like how about how I had to write my brand-new doctor a message on Day Two of our budding relationship to ask him if I might be risking my life by wanking off.
Yes, really. And, call me old-fashioned but that just seems more like a third visit kind of conversation.
And, of course, I was only masturbating for scientific purposes—they always want to know if your Sexual Function is normal on those Pain, Poop and Pee Questionnaires. I always put some smart-ass answer on the form like “when I find it I’ll ask it” or “when I invent a time machine I’ll go back 10 years and ask it”.
So, it’s kind of like my job to masturbate—to stay current on:
22. Ability to reach orgasm ..............…. Y or N
I do a lot of research. I have a strong work ethic: I always have. And skills from my business days like Vision and Creative Thinking.
Paging Dr. Skarsgard. Dr. Alexander Skarsgard. Please report to the Neuroscience Testing Lab, Suki Building, Penthouse Level.
Anyway, WTFelse am I supposed to doing while lounging about. And I have some weed medicinal cannabis that I call WankWeed for obvious reasons. But it’s not like I’d just be spanking the monkey all the time for no good reason. It’s not like I do it all the time and why should I feel guilty about using the more ambiguous term “sexual activity” in my note to my doctor. I just know somewhere down the road a question is going to come up about my partner and I’ll have to point at myself and say “right here”.
In some states I’m probably common-law married to myself.
Aaaaannnyway, here’s what happened—while my, uh, arousal was increasing pulsatile tinnitus (heartbeat in my ear) started going up and down in tandem with my arousal. I know because I was Wanking for Science so I ran an experiment. There was no control group, though, so it will not be published, only blogged.
I did not take the experiment to conclusion because it was like listening to an echocardiogram, and one thing this doctor found on my MRI that others didn’t was that my left ventricle is enlarged in my brain, about three times the size of the right. We don’t know what it means at this point so this could be dangerous for realz. And it gets more complicated. Potentially long road. Possibly winding also. Oh, and El Nino, never forget fucking El Nino.
I’ll actually post what I sent him but I’d have to explain some stuff first. Or not. You know me so well.