AdventureWorld

Rapture

I was looking all over the Riverwalk Center for a bookstore and couldn’t believe there wasn’t one in the whole place, but the directory had no bookstore listed and the map showed no bookstore either.
This is just SO WRONG I thought--a shopping center with no bookstore? Inconceivable! (and I do know what the word means).
So, I was wandering around, greatly piqued, looking for a bookstore anyway, as if I could will one to appear from sheer vexation.
Then this smoking-hot brotha’ started flirting with me (me!) and he asked me what I was looking for. I flapped my map at him and said “don’t you hicks even have a bookstore?!” (in a kidding way of course because (1) he was really dreamy and (2) I used to be a hick my own damn self—but at least I was a book loving hick.
Anyhoo, he told me he knew where a bookstore was but he kept flirting instead of dispensing directions and I was all about The BookQuest (not that other quest).
I was tired and I needed to gogogo! get a book, jump into my jim-jammies, and snuggle in my fluffy-delicious hotel bed (best hotel bed ever, I kid you not).
The brotha’ declared that he was in love with me and I said “not really, it’s merely an instant infatuation because amidst this sea of sweat pants and bad hair I’m downright exotic. Or like a shiny object”
He laughed and laughed and said now I love you even more.
I said “hook me up with a book and I will love you back ..although from afar”.
He said “look at us—brought together by a crappy map”
“So romantic I could just swoon”, I said. “Better than those bodice-ripping books with Fabio on the cover.”
Then he did a rap about the map that was crap and how it led to our  shopping center love affair. He did it Dr. Seuss-style.
I said I love Dr. Seuss.
He said I know you do.
I started to walk away but turned and said “one fish, two fish”.
He said “red fish, blue fish”.
We looked at each other and laughed some more and then I was gone.

Bathroom Philosophers

On this trip I started doing something I’ve been meaning to do forever. I wrote down some of the things people had written on bathroom walls. It’s always interested (and often amused) me what people consider profound thoughts.
Some are thoughtful, some are insightful, some are downright hilarious in that is this person for fucking real?? kinda way. Bathroom walls are a place where the profound and the purposeless reside in hilarious juxtaposition.
Of course I actually find the most absurd ones as potentially profound and wonder if the graffiti’er was really clever or really stupid. I choose to believe clever because that makes it more fun and it makes me feel a wee bit better about the collective intelligence from sea to shining sea.
So here goes, with my favorite absurd one first and then no particular order:

•  You smell like fish. I don’t like you anymore.

• If you’re not outraged you’re not paying attention.

• Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle.

• A life that is planned is a closed life, my friend. It can be endured, perhaps. It cannot be lived. [the writer perhaps intends the “my friend” to add the gravitas that ups the profundity factor; it does kinda give it that Master Po to Grasshoppa’ nuance]

• Let your life speak.

• You watched him treat me like that. What makes you think he won’t do the same to you? [SNAP!]

• Life is a garden. Dig it!

• Think inside the box. [so many possible interpretations]

• [and from a kindred Deadwood spirit] Announcing your plans is a good way to hear god laugh.

And last, but not least, something that made me laugh and laugh.

• Mommy, wow! I’m a big kid now.   -George Bush

 

Hick Up

I've been so busy lately that I am, as the Goose would say, plumb wore out. I could tell how tired I was on Friday because I was turning into Little Miss Cranky Pants--I struggled against it all day long.
Thinking about how the Goose would say  "you're just plumb wore out" reminded me of all the other fun stuff they say in the boonies ..so naturally I made it into a post. I wrote them down as they came to mind this weekend.
Most of them I heard growing up in Bumfuck, TX but a couple of them I picked up from a friend who grew up in some small southern town.

BUSY:
Busier than a one-eyed cat watchin two mouse holes.
Busier than a cat covering up shit on a marble floor.
Busier than a one-armed paperhanger
Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kickin' contest.
Busier than a set of jumper cables at a family reunion.
Goin' twelve ways to Sunday.

ATTRACTIVENESS:
She’s pretty as a speckled pup in a red wagon.

OLD:
He's been around since Hector was a pup.
She's two years older than dirt.
Old as Methuselah

WEATHER:
Hotter than a billy goat in a pepper patch.
Hotter than a June bride in a feather bed.
Hotter than a two dollar pistol
Hotter than nine nekkid women in a Volkswagen.
Colder than a well-digger's ass in Idaho.

DELICIOUS, OR NOT SO MUCH:
So good it'd make a puppy pull a freight train.
So bad the dog had to lick his ass to take the taste out of his mouth
The coffee's so strong, you can float a pistol in it.

SHORT:
She's so short you can see her feet on her driver's license.

EMOTIONALLY AGITATED IN ASSORTED WAYS:
I'll be on you like white on rice.
I'm nervous as a whore in church.
He's got his back up.
She could start a fight in an empty house.
She's so nervous she has to thread her sewing machine with it running

MOTORMOUTH:
He’s got enough tongue for ten rows of teeth.
She could talk a coon right out of a tree.

UNWORKABLE:
That dog won't hunt.

UTTERLY CLUELESS:
She/he would stand nekkid in front of a walk-in closet.

CLUMSY:
Like a monkey fucking a football (I think only my father says this)

NOT TOUGH ENOUGH:
If you can’t run with the big dogs get back on the porch with the pups.
Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.
If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
She wouldn't bite a biscuit

JUST ‘CAUSE YOU SAY IT’S SO DON’T MAKE IT SO:
You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits.
Just ‘cause the cat gave birth in the oven, that don't make them kittens biscuits.

CRAZY OR DRUNK:
Seven bubbles off plumb
All his biscuits ain’t baked (hillbillies love their biscuits!)
Crazier than a run over dog
She came right off the spool.
He’s drunker than Old Cooter Brown.

MISCELLANEOUS:
She's got more airs than an Episcopalian.
He's all hat and no cattle.
Fell over like a relative at an open bar.
I've had fun before. This ain't it.

Vote For Pedro

Today's funny is brought to you by Oldest Brother, who is still recovering from the poontang post. heh.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of Blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. 
"Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria on her hands, the teacher said, "You little shit.  If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally some kid threw an eraser at Pedro, and someone shouted "Duck"!
Pedro yelped “Dick Cheney, 2006!”

For Meghan Cause She’s All Pregnant and Stuff

My online pal Meghan wanted to see a photo of my cute new hairdo.  I don’t usually post pictures of myself on my blog unless they're old ones or there was that one in a snorkeling mask which could be anyone of course. But since Megz is having to tough it out through all that pregnancy drama I felt like she deserved an exception. Well, and it is a really cute hairdo.
So, since there’s no one else around my house I decided I’d try to take one myself which led to disastrous results but also some much needed hilarity. So there again goes that Boomerang thing where I wind up doing something good for my own self  by doing something for somebody else.  Plus I like to laugh at myself, it's liberating.
It’s really hard to take a picture of one’s self unless one has a timer on one’s camera. One did not. I had to hold the fucker out and point it at my head and shoot and hope for the best. I did not get even close to the best—in most every shot I looked like a demented Christina Ricci.
In real life I look nothing like any kind of Christina Ricci. But I was always shooting at an angle that exaggerated my big eyes, flattened my nose, and made my upper lip disappear. Not that Christina Ricci has a flat nose, just that other stuff ..which is adorable on her.
And I always looked either crazy or dull-witted. Or like I was making some sad attempt to look all come hithery. OK, one time I was trying to look all comical-smexy by dangling some glasses I never wear out of my mouth. I was going to say something like “I’d still go gay with you even though you’re all pregnant and stuff” in a caption under the photo.  I thought that would be funny but the photo just wasn’t hot enough to pull it off. Dang!
Also, I put on my glasses that I don’t really need or ever wear just cause I thought I’d look smexy with my Bettie Paige bangs and my brainiac glasses but mostly I just looked like Marilu Henner. A whole lot like her. But I don’t look like her in Real Life and anyways she probably doesn’t have any leopard spot jim-jammies.  But probably her character in Taxi did.
Also I had on shiny lip gloss and it was bouncing way too much light back. My bottom lip looked ginormous which would be ok except not when you have no upper lip showing. Then it just looks plenty strange. So I rubbed it off  and went with nekkid lips.
Anyways……

Penis Envy

Phallic Logo Awards. No kidding.

Hootchie Cootchie

I just saw my first ever Shakira video. I only have one comment:
Why doesn't she just fuck the camera and get it over with?

Today's Win an iPod Spam

Do you smoke?  You can win an iPod.

Hhhmmm ..lung cancer for an iPod. Not exactly the best trade ever.

AdventureDoll

Here's me in Taipei with my pet monkey, Joepete.  You can make your own doll, adventurous or not ,
here . 
Joepete is sulking because I won't let him ride my scooter. 
He is a smart and discerning wee bastard, though.  He loves to watch  HBO and the Discovery channel.   
He also knows  a little  sign language, like those scientific monkeys.  Yesterday he signed  get. me. a. bannana. cocksucker.
By the way, AdventureDoll looks just like me, especially the thin thighs.  But I usually don't wear a plunging neckline and a Wonderbra with my business suits ...not even in Taipei.

Pink

I have fallen in love with the color pink.  This is not remarkable in and of itself but since pink is a color that I’ve never really cared for it’s at least worth mentioning.  I’ve also decided that pink is the new neutral; pink is the new beige.  Bright pink looks smashing with black; dusty pink/rose looks fabulous with greens; barely-there shimmering pink looks old school glamorous.  My current favorite combination is various shades of pink with chocolately brown with bronzey-green accents.  I did my bedding this way yesterday for a change from my usual cream colored palate, which I really love.  In fact, I love my usual stuff—textured fabrics layered in various shades of cream—so much that I was having a hard time making the change.  But I usually change everything at least twice a year.  Other women love shoes, I love linens.
But surely I digress, so back to pink. I have been dying for a pink handbag but couldn’t rationalize the purchase of such a non-essential item (which is odd for me since I can usually rationalize anything.)  Then I realized that a pink purse would look divine with my black interview suit with my pink striped blouse. The pink purse was mine!  But then all hopes were dashed when I realized that I must carry my briefcase to interviews and, when striving for that polished professional look, one should never carry a briefcase and a purse ..unless one wishes to look like an accessory rack, of course.  (Sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings but if you want the quintessential I’m-all-about-business executive look, ixsnay on the dueling accessories.) Pick one or the other as the situation requires.   If you need a briefcase for business hours and a purse for after business-hours then find a small handbag that can be tucked inside your briefcase.  But of course, this has fuck-all to do with the color pink as I’ve completely gone off on a tangent and now have forgotten why I was even blogging about pink  to begin with.  It’s a color, who cares? Also, I need a sammich.